In these strange, surreal times — when it can feel like we are living inside of a disaster movie — we are being urged to stay calm. We are encouraged to be like the person on the refugee boat who remains composed while pirates and storms threaten the survival of everyone on board.
But what if we identify more with the panicky person who is rocking the boat? We might take the message of “be the calm person on the boat” as a sort of chastisement: Why can’t you be calmer? Why can’t you be better? Why can’t you show up like a buddha right now? Why can’t you be perfect?
Many of us would like to show up as our best selves as we go through this global pandemic that has forced us to stay mostly at home, keep away from other people, not touch our faces, and wash our hands many, many times a day.
We might be cooped up with family members or roommates who are trying our patience. We may have lost incomes and be worried about how we are going to pay the rent. We may have immune-compromised bodies or we may be living with people whose bodies are compromised. We may already be ill, or are fearful that we or our loved ones will become ill.
We may want to be our best self at this time but maybe we can’t — at least not all of the time. If our insides are shaking with fear, anger, confusion or other disturbances, pretending it isn’t so isn’t helpful. Nor is telling ourselves we “shouldn’t” be feeling this way or that we “should” be better than this (because we are dharma practitioners, after all).
One of the messages of the dharma is about being truthful with ourselves. We are encouraged to see and accept ourselves as we actually are.
So, for example, if we lose our composure, we freak out, we yell at someone, can we allow this temporary condition to be present in ourselves without judging ourselves as being wrong or bad?
In reality, we have little control over the thoughts and emotions that arise in us. Mental events bubble up as a natural consequence of causes and conditions that are mostly out of our control.
Our reaction to what we experience is driven largely by our habits and our habit energy. If we are in the habit of lashing out with anger, that’s where our minds will go. If we are in the habit of freezing in response to what we experience as a threat to our survival, then that’s what we will do.
To me, the big work of dharma practice is the work of bringing this deeply ingrained habit energy into consciousness. We cultivate the conditions to bring our unseen impulses into awareness, moment by moment. And we train ourselves to embrace all of this messy stuff with a sense of compassionate acceptance. We say to ourselves, this too, is part of my experience in this moment.
This acceptance of how we are showing up — even when it’s not the way we want to show up — is an essential part of our self-care, especially in these times.
If you tend to identify as being the person who is rocking the boat, remember this: We all rock the boat from time to time.
Here are some self-care methods that I have found helpful:
Stay in the moment.
This is a key aspect of mindfulness. Often, we hear the advice to take it “one day at a time” when we are moving through something difficult. We can shorten the time frame even more and “take it one moment at a time.”
We don’t know how long we are going to be in this strange situation, with the pandemic rolling through our lives. Our thoughts about the future can become obsessive. And while we need to plan for the future as best we can, it’s necessary to remind ourselves that the future is not ours to control.
When we stay in the moment, we have the capacity to allow uncertainty about the future to be present without getting lost in worry. We can meet our emotions skilfully: “Ah, this is uncertainty. This is what uncertainty feels like. Uncertainty needs to be heard, seen, felt. I can hold this uncertainty with kindness.”
What does it look like to take things moment by moment?
One thing we can do is check in with ourselves frequently. How am I doing in this moment? Maybe things are OK right now. There’s enough to eat, my basic needs are being met, the sun is shining, a bird is singing outside my window.
It’s helpful to engage all the senses. What is my body feeling? What am I looking at right now? What am I hearing? How are the other senses engaged right now, such as smell and taste? Engaging ourselves with the immediacy of our senses brings us into the now and gives us a break from our reactive minds.
Generally, we experience a sense of being OK in the moment when we are fully present. That’s why mindfulness is such as powerful practice and one of the Buddha’s main teachings.
Take care of yourself first.
When you are on an airplane that has lost oxygen, you are instructed to place the oxygen mask on your own face before helping another person. If you don’t, you will pass out and not be of help to anyone.
So, do whatever is needed, even if it seems selfish. Take time for yourself. Take a break. Go for a walk. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Hold all of this with loving awareness. It’s OK.
Incline the mind to joy.
This means limiting the amount of distress we take in via the news, social media, and the conversations we have with people. Remember that bad news feeds our negativity bias.
Negativity bias comes out of our instinctual impulse to preserve ourselves by constantly scanning the environment for danger. When we scroll our smartphones for news, we are like deer scanning the environment for danger from wolves. It’s a primitive survival tactic hardwired into our brains. It’s useful, but not when it overwhelms us with pumped up fears.
One method of doing this is to shift attention away from distressing thoughts. We do this not as a way of denying reality, but as a way of more clearly perceiving reality.
Ask: What else is going on right now?
In the news, it might be the stories about people who are helping others. Or it could be what’s going on in nature. It’s spring. The geese are back. The days are warmer. Beauty is revealing itself in every moment. Beauty is everywhere — in literature, music, art, movies. You can virtually tour many of the world’s best museums for free.
Get moving.
The importance of getting physical movement can’t be overstated. Unlike people, deer and other prey animals have an innate ability to shake off trauma. After a life-threatening event, they shake their bodies, releasing deep muscular tension, and effectively rebooting their nervous systems.
There are therapies which use shaking exercises to help people release stress. Try it at home. Or just try dancing in your living room. It may look ridiculous but it works.
If shaking is not for you, some yoga studios and other fitness places are offering online sessions. And long walks, especially now that warmer weather is here, are especially therapeutic.
Look at the Big Picture.
When we view things from a cosmic perspective — whether in time or space — we can see that we are a very small speck in a very big universe.
When we look at the big picture, we are not only more able to let go of the small stuff, we realize that it’s pretty much all small stuff. All these things that are of such great concern now — schools being closed, businesses shutting down, our freedoms being curtailed, our health and lives endangered — likely won’t look that big a year from now, ten years from now, or at the moment when we take leave of our bodies.
Remember that there was a time when the Buddha was just another unawakened guy — a smart, wealthy, powerful, compassionate guy, but unawakened just the same.
According to the stories surrounding his early years, Siddhartha was shocked into waking up to a more conscious life when he encountered the three heavenly messengers of aging, illness, and death.
With the coronavirus pandemic, we see that the heavenly messengers have arrived. And they have the potential to wake us up, just like they woke up Siddhartha to become the Buddha, the Awakened One.
Remember, this too shall be a memory one day.
I will end this with an email message I received from someone in our community who had the experience of being awakened by the three heavenly messengers. Several years ago she lost her husband, who had been suffering from an illness for a long time before he died. She gave me her permission to share this with you:
“When my husband was sick we spent basically a year in isolation. He had no immune system after his transplant. I was able to keep the fires burning at home with a very few trips out and vigilant cleaning etc. For the following two years we still had to be very cautious.
“However, through the whole experience my world became much larger. I had to time to really look, and listen to the world around me. Although it ended with a huge loss for me, I will still remember that time as being one of the most meaningful ones of my life. I consider myself one of the fortunate ones these days…”
“This too shall be a memory one day.”
—Nelle Oosterom